When I get back to the house, and I'm inside, I start to tense up again. I'm so restless I don't know what to do with myself. So, tonight, I'm blogging from the comfort of my...swing. (You thought I was going to say "my car" didn't you? Didn't you?!) I'm outside, bundled up in a hoodie from high school that I haven't worn in about that long just pecking away at my laptop.
And I'm calm-ish again.
Let's see if I can shake that calm with some emotion.
Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
When we were younger, Kara and I were the only two granddaughters. We were stuck together...what choice did we have in a family full of, older, grandsons? There's a picture I have (I wish I had a scanner.) of us-standing in, what was then the living room of Mawmaw & Pawpaw's house, now my grandmother's room at my mom & dad's house-arms around each other wearing some funny little outfits that I'm sure we matched up ourselves. It makes me smile. I can see it right now in my head and I'm grinning uncontrollably.As I mentioned the other day, I've been lurking about in the shadows of some blogs lately. Just soaking up everything. I love to read.
I also remember us playing dress up in her mom's old dresses. Every time I went over there, you can bet there was going to be an impromptu fashion show!
As we got older, we started drifting a little...each kind of involved in our own Junior High, then High School lives.
At the end of my Junior year, their house burned and they moved off to Florida. We kept in touch a good bit in the beginning, and then would rarely talk for months at a time. I missed her, but I was so busy with Senior year that I didn't really have time to think about it. We started talking more close to graduation. I was going to move down there and go to college with her at UWF, but I met and started dating "the love of my life" and I couldn't bear the thought of being so far away. So...that idea went down the drain, and we drifted again.
I got married and she had her life there. We would talk around holidays and birthdays and a little in between. Got a couple of visits in here and there.
Fast forward a couple of years...I'm getting a divorce, and she's having a baby this month. We've been talking more this year. Perhaps fate knew we'd be needing each other around. Her dad is working up here, so they come and visit pretty regularly, and I went down to see her a couple of weeks ago for her birthday.
There are several people I have just "grown apart" with(from?), but she's the one I miss the most. I miss the potential we had to be "Thelma & Louise"...but I'm glad we've drifted back into each others lives. Maybe there will even be a road trip in our future. This is her parents' first grand baby...I'm sure they'll want to spoil him some! :)
That being said, my one sweet follower, SimplyStac, over at Flying Solo, made a post today. I was able to read it in Google Reader, but when I try to click on it to comment or go to it on her blog, it says it's a missing link or something like that. I'm bum-fuddled... So, Ms. Stac, I'd like to ask you, "Did you climb inside my head and write this post today?" I've been going through these same feelings, and I, too , have been an emotional wreck. Granted, mine is not from and ex-boyfriend...more like and ex-male friend.
Here...let me cheat and give you another two-fer...I might not be around tomorrow anyhow.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go.
This guy has been in my life for years. We met when I was 10. He was 14. Since that time, we've kinda been in and out of each others lives at random times. We might not talk for years, then one day we'd reconnect via some social networking site and talk for a while. Then years would pass again without speaking. There was nothing wrong between us, that's just how it went. We live two very different lives.Wow....this is the most open I've been in this blog. This kind of stuff is usually saved for my "private" blog. Eh...well....it's called the "30 Days of Truth"...maybe it won't come back to bite me in the ass.
Last year, we reconnected via Facebook, and he was going through some problems in his marriage. By that point, I had realized that I was unhappy where I was, and we started talking again for a few months. I was a sounding wall for him, and he was a distraction from my problems. He and his wife seemed to work things out and once I found out that they were "happy" again, I congratulated him and went on my merry little way sulking in my private time because I still felt like shit about my life.
We kept in touch more often after that. Even if it was just to say, "Hi. How are ya?"
In June, I had realized that I was digging myself into a rut and had to run away from my problems for a while. When I came back home, he and I started talking. We were in the same place again.
We were talking every day and most of the nights. Just being there as someone who understood what the other was going through. We were able to vent and bitch it out to each other, then get on a completely new subject and laugh. It kept both of us out of a dark place for a while. We talked about everything under the sun. Distractions...as they were...
I'm going to fast forward again to try to skip some of the emotions here...We had been talking for months, then...out of nowhere, he just stops talking to me. I don't get phone calls, I don't get texts. When I text, I'm lucky if I get anything back. No emails...nothing.
It's not the same as the times before because we were so close...He was my constant when my world was falling down around me...and I didn't even get so much as a "Fuck you." Just nothing.
But he's talking to other people...I can see that on Facebook. (I keep him on there so I can see his artwork. I really admire his talent. He does awesome work.)
It just breaks my heart that he could so easily start ignoring me after what we "had". He was my best friend. He was the one I talked to about everything. I trusted him completely. That was my mistake. I never trust...prime illustration as to why that is.
I'm finally trying to just "let go". I'm tired of looking like a fool. I just wish I had some sort of closure. Some explanation. I'm sure I'll never get either. But...as the saying goes... "This, too, shall pass." And I'll be fine. I'll suck it up and move on.
I'll always remember the good times. Is it too much for me to ask that he does, too?
I'm getting cold through my hoodie, and I'm starting to shiver, so I guess this is as good a place as any to carry my ass inside and wish I had a cupcake to console myself.
Goodnight, beautiful people.
I'm pretty damn awesome! ;) But so are you, so it's all good!
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