Just popping in!

I've been getting sick. I feel like shit. I have abandoned all hope. >.<

Not really...(on the hope thing)...but I just haven't felt like posting. Forgive me! I'll be back! I just need to get well so my brain will work.

Also...I might need to re-think some things due to recent facts that have been brought to my attention.


Until then, I wish you love & cupcakes!


Travels, Truths & Face Melting...Oh My!

Awesome weekend! Traveled to South Louisiana, spent the weekend with awesome folks, drank a lot, laughed even more, and even managed to get a few hours of sleep.

I got a chemical peel. That shit hurts! My face felt like it was melting O-F-F! (Granted...it was acid...on my skin...so I guess that's what it's supposed to feel like?) The girl put the stuff on my face and it immediately started tingling. I would liken it to that tingle lotion that people use in the tanning bed. (Remind me to tell you that story..) I was like, "Oh, that's not so bad. Just a bit uncomfortable...", but it got increasingly more uncomfortable....and I looked at her and was like, "Soooo....that does not feel good." She's all, "That's just the first application." What?! The first?!!! I don't think I can handle anymore! Agck!

So I manage to live through a second application, even though, at this point I'm scared that my skin is about to start bubbling up off of my face. After the fact, it feels like a sunburn. My face is all tight and dry. I have to wear sunscreen every day (which I do anyway because it's in my moisturizer..), and my skin is going to start flaking off...but, hopefully I'll have nice new younger looking skin by the end of the week. (Also, I will never do this again. Just FYI..I'm not sure who invented that shit...but it's ridiculous.)

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
          I could definitely live without drama in my life. I've had my fair share. I've probably caused my fair share. I definitely prefer a drama-free lifestyle. There's not a lot of explanation necessary for this one. "Leave your drama with the llama." (I'm sure you've heard the phrase "drama llama"... I've always wanted a llama statue outside my front door with a sign around his neck.)

Okay...here's the tanning bed story...I used to lay in the tanning bed. I tended to be rather impatient and couldn't just work my way up to a nice tan. I usually ended up lobster red. One day I thought I'd try some of that tingle lotion. I slathered that shiz all over me. I was red and my skin was swollen before I ever even got into the tanning bed. (This should have been a warning...sometimes I'm an idiot.)

I laid for about 5 minutes and my ears started ringing, so I got out. They were ringing so loud I could barely hear my friend when she was trying to talk to me. I told her I'd put that lotion on and she was like, "Shower, cold water, soap, NOW!"

I remember standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror and my face was so red. I turned and looked at her and said something about how red it was and when I looked back in the mirror, I was white as a sheet. Then I passed out.

I was only out for a few minutes (if that long), but it seemed like forever. When I came to, I got in the shower and I didn't think I was ever going to get that shit off of me. My nipples were so hard they were hurting for the rest of the day. (They were crispy! LOL!)

After that little incident, I didn't lay in the tanning bed for years, but one day I decided I was ready again. I was just going to lay for about 10 minutes and I didn't use any lotion or anything. I was in there for 3, and my heart started racing. I shut that shit off, and I haven't been back in there since. I'll take my day-glo whiteness over a nice tan anyday. Thank you very much!

Day 17: A book you've read that changed your views on something.
          I love to read!! However, I don't know if I've read anything that changed my views on anything. I mostly read for fun...not really learning. 
          I thought about reading the Koran once...I stayed at a hotel that had one in the drawer. I wanted to take it home with me and read it, but my ex-husband wouldn't let me. He's a stick in the mud. That could have been an interesting read. Perhaps, one day, I'll get to.

Some of these truths are not fun...This weekend, I had some interesting truth conversations. Apparently, alcohol does that. Haha! (That's a story for another time, perhaps.) 

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
          If it feels good, do it. I dunno... I don't really care. It's not hurting anyone. I think people deserve to be happy. And if someone of the same sex makes them happy, so be it. I have several people in my life that are gay, some of them are married...and you know what? I love them just as much as I love the straight people in my life.
          I think it's unfair for the government to try and tell people who they can and can't be with. The government tries to control too much shit anyway. They don't pay attention to the important things.   
I bought some new perfume today. Dolce & Gabbana. It was expensive, but I was completely out of perfume, and I technically only spent $7 more on it than I would have the other perfume I was thinking of buying. I deserve nice things...and I'm gonna smell delicious! (I might even get over the severe buyer's remorse at some point.) >.<
Another night shot for your viewing pleasure. (I hope you like eet!)

My face is terribly uncomfortable and itching (it's probably about to start peeling off O.o)...and I'm sleepy, but I think I'm gonna try to go catch up on my bloggers.

I do love you so.


The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried.
          Sex! Hahah! No...kidding...I dunno. I guess I've been lucky in my life...I've not really had to "go without" a lot of things....and I can't think of anything that I wouldn't be able to live without.
          Someone, now...let's see. There have been people in my life that I thought I couldn't live without...but, the truth is I can.
          It hurt for a while...bad. I did think I might die from the pain...but I came through it... Was it Winston Churchill who said, "If you're going through hell, keep going."? I can't remember exactly...but yeah.

"...and I finally found that life goes on without you...and the world still turns when you're not around..." ("Naive Orleans"-Anberlin) Great song.

I feel like a slacker tonight. I'm taking off work tomorrow. Gotta get my car worked on and then I'm going out of town for the weekend. So...I won't be posting over the weekend...but I'll make up my Days on Sunday when I come home.

I've been experimenting with night-time pictures. I'm still working out the kinks...like...being able to focus correctly in the dark, LOL! But here's something for you to look at.

I feel like this was a failure. Please don't judge based on this post.

Sweet dreams, cupcakes!


Have I got a story for YOU?!

Oh. Muh. Guh. (O.o)

Sometimes, I make bad decisions. Then I regret them...This is one of those times.

I created an account on My Yearbook a while back (a site akin to Facebook & MySpace). I hadn't used it in ages, but recently, I started getting on again (during my FB hiatus). This kid (21-ish) that lives down south started sending me messages. So we're chit-chatting back and forth and he wants my phone # so we can text instead. Now, normally, I swiftly change the subject or just straight up tell these people, "No." But I was bored and was thinking it'd give me something to do. So I gave it to him. >.<

Monday night, he texted me and it was innocent enough. We chatted for a little bit before I pulled the "old lady card" and said it was time for bed (at around 9-ish.) Then, last night, I got a text from him after 10. I was annoyed, but I texted him back because I didn't want to be mean. I was just gonna chat for a minute and then tell him I was going to bed.

He started talking about wanting me to come see him... Again.. (O.o) Or he wants to come see me...What the hell? This is only the 2nd day we've talked! So...again...trying to be nice, I just told him that I was a busy lady and would be traveling a lot in the next few months, and I wouldn't really have time. (Even though...I'm going to South Louisiana this weekend...and am actually going to be about 30 minutes from where he lives. I hope I don't run into him anywhere and die!)

He wants to know where I'm going and why. I give him a brief run down, so that it seems credible. (Though I really am going to be traveling.) He's going along with everything...until I get to a trip to Texas...at which point he freaks the fuck out. (O.o) I'm going to see a friend of mine that happens to be male. This kid evidentally doesn't think that you can be just friends. He starts going psycho ("You know you're going to do something with him! It's gonna make you look bad! You shouldn't go! Blah blah blah") on me and finally I have enough...so, I'm like, "You're getting hostile. It's past my bedtime." I get this, "Oh yeah. Go to bed. Leave me just like everyone else. I always listen to everyone, but no one listens to me. I'm always alone." What. The. Fuck?

"Really? No. REALLY?! That shit doesn't fly with me. Sahrry, kiddo." Which really fired him up because I called him a "kid". I was just like, "G'night, sir."

How do I attract these psychos?! Ay dios mio.

I hope he loses my #. I've had the same one since the beginning of time, and I don't want to change it...although...I think I can block his phone number...Hmm...

Also...due to internet issues because I live in the middle of BFE and have less than stellar internet service, I missed my Day of Truth yesterday. Who know's what that means?!

Two for you! Please...just act excited...make me feel loved, would ya? Haha!

Day 13: Write a letter to a band that has helped you through some tough times.
          I can't pick a single band. I just can't.
Dear Music,
     You save my soul and keep me sane. You speak to me in ways no one can. It's amazing how you can know exactly how I feel and what I need without me saying a word.
     I will say, though, you do know how to kick a girl when she's down sometimes. You know what? I still love you... unfalteringly... you are there for me when no one else is... and I know you always will be. You're just awesome like that!
Whoever made this meme was all about some letters!

Day 14: A letter to a hero who has let you down.
          I'm totally skipping this one. (Don't hate me!) It's just that I can't think of a hero that has let me down...or even if I really have a hero...I mean...I say "You're my hero!" all the time...but are they really my hero? Nah...probably not...I admire them for something they have done, sure...but...nah...
          My parents, I guess, could be my heros...but they've never let me down. So... yeah... skipping this one.
Longest. Post. Ever.

I have semi-exciting news! I'm letting go. I feel more relaxed than I have in far too long, and for the last two nights in a row, I slept through the night. I haven't been able to do that in months. I still hit snooze in the morning when my alarm goes off, but overall, I'm rested...and happy, even.

Happy like cupcakes!



Monday. Monday.

I dunno about today. I just...yeah...

I still care. I always will. It's in my nature. I feel a little bit more free today, though. I know he is safe, and happy...and somehow, that's all that matters to me today. I have my moments. I'll still cry, though. It happens.

Today's truth is a bit disappointing, I'm afraid.

Day 12: Something you never get complimented on.
          I don't get compliments on a lot of things. Strangely...I don't dwell on them. And I'm a dweller...so...that's weird. But I can't honestly think of something that I want to be complimented on that I don't.
          Most. Boring. Truth. Ever. Sahrry! 
Who needs a drink? Let's see a show of hands. *holds up both hands* Anyone else?


I wish you heartache that leaves you more of a man...

I have a new follower! Yippee! Hello, Natalie! (Is there an art to being single? We can all learn as we go along.) I hope you find something here to entertain you! ^.^

Yesterday, I went with Mom to a baby shower. Weirdest. Baby. Shower. Evarr. But the daddy-to-be was effing HOTTT!

Also, got two new sweaters. Every time I have to go to some sort of dressy-style function, I have to get new clothes....I'm never satisfied with what I have. Pair that with the 30 lbs I've lost, I kinda sorta need new clothes. I hate shopping for clothes, but I love my new sweaters. So...yay for that!

Last night I went to Wal-Mart for hair color and engine oil...because that's just the kind of girl I am. Haha! I ran into a guy I've known for ages. He and my brother were always best friends in school. He told me I looked pretty. It made me feel nice, because he wasn't "obligated" to say it, and he had no ulterior motives. His fiance was standing right there. I smiled the rest of the night. It's the simple things that make me happy.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you on the most.
Not the best pic of color.  Cloudy day.
          Probably my hair. It can be both the bane of my existence or my crowning glory. It's pretty frizzy when it's au naturel, but if I take the time to fix it, it's pretty awesome. My fave is when I have time to curl it with a curling iron.
          My poor hair has been thru a lot in it's twenty-six years on my head. Perms, bleach, straightners, blow dryers, colors, rinse & repeat. I've done just about everything to my hair that can be done to it. If I were it...I would have abandoned me long ago.
          I've been trying to be more gentle with it lately...I only blow dry in the mornings before work, and I don't used heat styling tools much...also, I go days without brushing it. And it cracks me up when people are like, "Your hair looks so nice. What did you do to it?!" And I'm like, "Err....nothing? I didn't even brush it today." Haha! 
Speaking of...I did color it today. Twice. *winces* But...see...here's the deal. I L-O-V-E red hair. LOVE! And my hair is naturally a light-ish brown, perhaps...I don't really remember. It's been a looooooong time since I've seen it other than in pictures. Anyway, when it grows out, my roots are lighter than the rest of my hair. So, when I re-color, I always get "hot roots". They are so much brighter than the rest of it..and I can't stand that weird color gradient I get from root to tip.

So, today, I had a brilliant idea. I put a dark burgundy on from my scalp to about mid-shaft. (Haha! I said "shaft". --Yes...I'm 12. =P) I left it on for 20 minutes and then pulled through to the ends right before I rinsed it out. It was a gorgeous color, but I wanted something brighter!

Later on this evening, I put a different color on, and it turned out PERFECT! No "hot roots" in sight! Yes! And this color I use, by Feria (L'Oreal), it's a "power red"....it will SHINE like whoa in the sunlight. I'll try to get a picture on the morrow to share.

This...was not exciting, and I apologize...but I must get to bed. I already don't want to go back to work tomorrow... Go figure.

I hope you lovelies had a fabulous weekend!



I decided I'd drop in today...but NO TRUTHS! I'm taking the day off since I did two yesterday. (Still trying to keep this thing inside of 30 days, here.)

I got up this morning, did some crunches on the AbLounge, and did Zumba. The "Sculpt & Tone" DVD. Good Lord!! I felt disgusting. I was sooo sweaty and nasty. But...I guess maybe that means it's working? I dunno. But I did make it thru the whole thing, so I'm going to pat myself on the back for that. Yippee!!

I went immediately to the shower and got cleaned up. I exfoliated with a sugar scrub from Lush. (If you don't know Lush...acquaint yourself with it, NAO! It is manna from the heavens.)

*insert tangent* How do you keep a sugar scrub? Like..this is not in a tub or bottle. It's a molded piece...kinda like a soap...but it's hard as a rock! I tried to just cut a piece off to keep from having to take the whole thing into the shower...yeah..not so much. But obviously the moisture in the shower makes the thing dissolve...not cool. I shouldn't have to use a whole "bar" at once. Hrmm...gotta figure this out. Don't want to be wasteful.  /tangent

I shaved my legs (but only to the knee...I'm not planning on getting lucky any time soon. Haha! I just needed to make sure if my pants leg comes up, it doesn't look like I haven't shaved in weeks. Sneaky sneaky.) And washed my hair and all that other goodness. I feel much better now! Yay!

Now...for the rest of the day...I dunno. I need to do laundry. But I flipping hate laundry. Ugh...responsibility.

Hmph...I don't even remember the point of this post...or even if there was one...I might come back by later on...I'll try to do something fun so I'll have something to write about!

Later lovely sprinkles!


Hiya. (Not like HIIIIII-YAAAAAAAAA! You know..karate style? Yeah. Not that.)

I've been driving and thinking for a while. I can't figure out why it is, but I'm the most relaxed when I'm behind the wheel. It's like therapy. I laugh, I cry, I sing, I talk to myself. (yes...talk to myself...) But even with all that, I'm calm in my car.

When I get back to the house, and I'm inside, I start to tense up again. I'm so restless I don't know what to do with myself. So, tonight, I'm blogging from the comfort of my...swing. (You thought I was going to say "my car" didn't you? Didn't you?!) I'm outside, bundled up in a hoodie from high school that I haven't worn in about that long just pecking away at my laptop.

And I'm calm-ish again.

Let's see if I can shake that calm with some emotion.

Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
          When we were younger, Kara and I were the only two granddaughters. We were stuck together...what choice did we have in a family full of, older, grandsons? There's a picture I have (I wish I had a scanner.) of us-standing in, what was then the living room of Mawmaw & Pawpaw's house, now my grandmother's room at my mom & dad's house-arms around each other wearing some funny little outfits that I'm sure we matched up ourselves. It makes me smile. I can see it right now in my head and I'm grinning uncontrollably. 
           I also remember us playing dress up in her mom's old dresses. Every time I went over there, you can bet there was going to be an impromptu fashion show!
          As we got older, we started drifting a little...each kind of involved in our own Junior High, then High School lives. 
          At the end of my Junior year, their house burned and they moved off to Florida. We kept in touch a good bit in the beginning, and then would rarely talk for months at a time. I missed her, but I was so busy with Senior year that I didn't really have time to think about it. We started talking more close to graduation. I was going to move down there and go to college with her at UWF, but I met and started dating "the love of my life" and I couldn't bear the thought of being so far away. So...that idea went down the drain, and we drifted again.
          I got married and she had her life there. We would talk around holidays and birthdays and a little in between. Got a couple of visits in here and there.
          Fast forward a couple of years...I'm getting a divorce, and she's having a baby this month. We've been talking more this year. Perhaps fate knew we'd be needing each other around. Her dad is working up here, so they come and visit pretty regularly, and I went down to see her a couple of weeks ago for her birthday. 
          There are several people I have just "grown apart" with(from?), but she's the one I miss the most. I miss the potential we had to be "Thelma & Louise"...but I'm glad we've drifted back into each others lives. Maybe there will even be a road trip in our future. This is her parents' first grand baby...I'm sure they'll want to spoil him some! :)
As I mentioned the other day, I've been lurking about in the shadows of some blogs lately. Just soaking up everything. I love to read.

That being said, my one sweet follower, SimplyStac, over at Flying Solo, made a post today. I was able to read it in Google Reader, but when I try to click on it to comment or go to it on her blog, it says it's a missing link or something like that. I'm bum-fuddled... So, Ms. Stac, I'd like to ask you, "Did you climb inside my head and write this post today?" I've been going through these same feelings, and I, too , have been an emotional wreck.  Granted, mine is not from and ex-boyfriend...more like and ex-male friend.

Here...let me cheat and give you another two-fer...I might not be around tomorrow anyhow.

Day 10: Someone you need to let go.
          This guy has been in my life for years. We met when I was 10. He was 14. Since that time, we've kinda been in and out of each others lives at random times. We might not talk for years, then one day we'd reconnect via some social networking site and talk for a while. Then years would pass again without speaking. There was nothing wrong between us, that's just how it went. We live two very different lives.
          Last year, we reconnected via Facebook, and he was going through some problems in his marriage. By that point, I had realized that I was unhappy where I was, and we started talking again for a few months. I was a sounding wall for him, and he was a distraction from my problems. He and his wife seemed to work things out and once I found out that they were "happy" again, I congratulated him and went on my merry little way sulking in my private time because I still felt like shit about my life.
          We kept in touch more often after that. Even if it was just to say, "Hi. How are ya?"
          In June, I had realized that I was digging myself into a rut and had to run away from my problems for a while. When I came back home, he and I started talking. We were in the same place again.
          We were talking every day and most of the nights. Just being there as someone who understood what the other was going through. We were able to vent and bitch it out to each other, then get on a completely new subject and laugh. It kept both of us out of a dark place for a while. We talked about everything under the sun. Distractions...as they were...
          I'm going to fast forward again to try to skip some of the emotions here...We had been talking for months, then...out of nowhere, he just stops talking to me. I don't get phone calls, I don't get texts. When I text, I'm lucky if I get anything back. No emails...nothing.
          It's not the same as the times before because we were so close...He was my constant when my world was falling down around me...and I didn't even get so much as a "Fuck you." Just nothing. 
          But he's talking to other people...I can see that on Facebook. (I keep him on there so I can see his artwork. I really admire his talent. He does awesome work.)
          It just breaks my heart that he could so easily start ignoring me after what we "had". He was my best friend. He was the one I talked to about everything. I trusted him completely. That was my mistake. I never trust...prime illustration as to why that is.
          I'm finally trying to just "let go". I'm tired of looking like a fool. I just wish I had some sort of closure. Some explanation. I'm sure I'll never get either. But...as the saying goes... "This, too, shall pass." And I'll be fine. I'll suck it up and move on.
          I'll always remember the good times. Is it too much for me to ask that he does, too? 
Wow....this is the most open I've been in this blog. This kind of stuff is usually saved for my "private" blog. Eh...well....it's called the "30 Days of Truth"...maybe it won't come back to bite me in the ass.

I'm getting cold through my hoodie, and I'm starting to shiver, so I guess this is as good a place as any to carry my ass inside and wish I had a cupcake to console myself.

Goodnight, beautiful people.


Two truths. One post.

I skipped yesterday because I saw someone who reminded me of someone and it made me have a crappy afternoon. One person shouldn't affect me like that, but it is what it is. I'm working on it. Promise! *sticks out pinky*

On to the business at hand!

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
          I've been thinking about this one. It's really not as easy as I expected. I was like, "Hey! That's easy! Jacob!" He's my nephew. That little man is the light of my life. I remember the day he was born, the first time he laughed and it felt like my heart exploded, the first time he said "Kim Kim". He is the only man that will ever hold my whole heart. Sometimes, he's bad as hell, but when he hugs me and says, "I love you, Kim Kim." or "I missed you, Kim Kim." My heart just melts into a big gooey puddle.
          Then I thought, "My old friends, new friends, future friends I have yet to meet. Everyone I've ever encountered in my life, or may encounter at some point..."
          Then I decided, "Myself." I'm a great person with a lot of potential. I have to do things in life for myself, not for others and what they might think of what I'm doing. I've been recently given a chance at a "do-over" of sorts, and it's time for me to really live my life. Live it the way I want to live it. It's past time...
That seemed like a crazy tangent. I dunno. I get all distracted in my head with things like this, and stuff gets all jumbled up.

Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell or treated you like shit. 
          Honestly...I can't say there has been anyone who has made my life hell. I've been treated badly several times in my life, and I'm sure there will be people who treat me badly again. 
          You know what, though? I'm trying to make positive changes in my life, and I'm not going to dwell on it so much. If someone wants to treat me like shit, they don't deserve to know me or be in my life.
          I have to stand up for myself from here on out. If I don't take care of me, who will?

I've got a lot of things on my mind of late, but I haven't felt like writing them here. I'll probably start carrying around my notebook again. Fill it with more chicken scratch, I have to deal with these things and move on.

I'm taking a hiatus from Facebook because I spend too much time on there as it is, and it's making it harder for me to cope with some things that are going on. Usually when I take a leave of absence, it's for a couple of days, maybe a week. This time, I'm going for longer....I plan to go back at some point, but I might not.

Facebook is a great networking tool. It's awesome for keeping in touch with family and friends that you don't get to see often. It's a huge time-suck. And my feelings get hurt when people don't talk to me. Yes...I said it. Bite me.

But it's not about that...it's about needing to "man up and move on"...and it needs to be done without having certain stuff in my face all the time. 

Anywho, I'll continue to post here. (And I still promise that it will get more interesting at some point. Just bear with me, please. Take my word, it's not as bad as the first blog I created that started out pretty good and then the last 35 out of 41 posts were about the same damn shit over and over... If it gets that bad...shoot me. Please.)

Hey! At least there are cute cupcakes that I slaved over! (...in Paintshop with my less-than-stellar skills...)



Decisions. Decisions.

I...am a horrible decision maker. For example, when I go out to eat, I always order last so that I can make up my mind at the last minute...then I spend the entire time before the food comes out wondering if I ordered the right thing. I will pick up something for purchase in a store, walk around the entire store carrying said item...then decide at the checkout counter that I don't really need/want it, put it down. The whole trip home, I'll talk about how I wish I would have bought it. At the same time, I can pick up something right at the end of shopping, just have to have it...get in the car and consider going back in to return it. (I also, apparently, have severe buyer's remorse.)

Meh... I told you that exciting story to lead up to this exciting story Day of Truth.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
          I hope I'm never faced with the decision to take someone I love off of life support. I wouldn't want to prolong their life if there was nothing that could be done to make them better...or like..if they were in a coma and would never wake up, but at the same time...if I had it my way, people wouldn't die. Ever. Unless they were bad people, ya know?
          I just feel like, if I ever was put in that position, and I told the doctors to "pull the plug", I would forever wonder if there could have been a miracle. A small chance that something could have been done to save my loved one. And I would forever feel responsible for them dying...even if they had a terminal illness. It would rip me apart.
          I'm not saying that I'm the only one that would have to struggle with that decision, I'm just saying that is something that I hope I never have to do.(That's what this day's about...right?)
That's always a fun subject, right?! Right...so...let me just ramble mindlessly for a few minutes.

This morning...I woke up for the second day in a row at 4 AM. What. The. Hell. Then, of course, I couldn't go back to sleep until about 10 minutes before my alarm was scheduled to go off at 6:00. (Why do alarms "go off"? Shouldn't they "go on"? I dunno...random weirdness.)

So sexy...right? *giggle*
Aside from that fun stuff, I woke up (after hitting snooze twice) feeling pretty good. I, strangely, felt great actually...(More weirdness.) But I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror...hair a disheveled mess, no makeup on, but I felt sexy. So, I snapped a quick picture with my web cam and posted it on Facebook. Haha! (Ridiculous...I know...but I rarely feel sexy without trying. Bite me.)  I was all, "Sometimes, I feel so sexy with my disheveled morning hair and no makeup that I feel sorry for you. *giggle*" I have a feeling some people thought I was pointing fingers at them, (just that women's intuition stuff...and...well...I got that reaction from someone. Hah!) but I really wasn't! The "you" I was referring too was the "you's" that have to put up with me at times like that. Sometimes I get kinda cocky. But, hey! I am woman! Hear me roar! (or something like that).

P.S. I am SO glad tomorrow is payday. I'm not really sure why...it will all be gone before the end of the day, anyway...But I am b-r-o-k-e. We're talking...I had $7.77 in my bank account after processing this afternoon. I was like..."W00! Bring me luck, baby! Just don't let me overdraw..."

I just want to get caught back up. I spent an insane amount of money in the months following my separation, and I still haven't managed to get caught up. Surely, that has nothing to do with the two new pair of Converse All-Stars that I have in the top of my closet that haven't even been put on my feet other than to try them on when they came in...or all the books I've bought recently...Nope...I have no idea at all why I'm broke.

Shush! I know I have a problem....and that's the first step, right?

Today...I grew up a little, perhaps. (Just a little...Don't judge!)

Back story? I work at a bank. I can do just about any job there, but my main location is the Loan Department. When someone comes in and applies for a loan, and we turn them down, we have to fill out this form called an "adverse". We mail them a copy and have to log it in a file...like...handwritten. (Don't get me started on the dinosaurs that I work with that can't seem to catch up with databases and shiz like that. It's a small privately owned bank.) /backstory

I was logging a new adverse this morning, and I flipped back through the log and found some I had done a few months back. At a time when I was getting very little sleep at night. Some days/nights, I might get a 2 hour nap in the afternoon after work, then I was up all night talking to a friend of mine that was going through a rough patch. So...I was exhausted during the day at work.

This particular day, I had several warning signs that I failed to pay attention too. My handwriting that day...HORRENDOUS! It's a wonder that I was not accused of being drunk that day. I couldn't even read what it said...I'm not sure how anyone else could. And it was going all down the little box I was writing in. I wish I could have gotten a picture to share...but...confidentiality and all...Booooo!

This same day, I would be typing emails (like to my boss about important shit...not just BSing with co-workers.) And I would just "check-out" in the middle of typing. When I would snap back to reality, there was all sorts of nonsense and gibberish. Dude! If I had clicked "send" on that...I would have most likely been asked to leave...and as much as I complain about my job, that does not need to happen...not at this point.

So...I grew up by realizing that I have to learn to draw boundaries...and, while, if my friends need me, I will be there...I'm going to need to nap for at least 4 hours before an all-night-talk-a-thon. I think I function pretty well on 4 hours of sleep a night. (Much better, at least, than 4 hours a week.)

Shit...growing up sucks! I'm gonna go sit in the corner with my cupcake.


Two at once!

I neglected to do the 30 Days of Truth yesterday. Mostly...because I've been trying to avoid Day 4. I dunno...I'm the Queen of Avoidance.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
          I have to forgive several people...for breaking my heart. That whole thing about caring so much...yeah...it's never been a secret. So...people know what they are doing. It's no accident.
          However...can I have a plus one? If I forgive...can I, too, forget? Not the people that have been in my life...just the fact that they broke my heart...and what they did to break my heart. I want to be able to go through life not sinking every time I do or see something that reminds me of one of them.
Wow...I drifted off onto a tangent there...Sahrry! It happens sometimes.

So...since I skipped yesterday, I decided I'd give you a two-fer...to keep from getting behind.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
          I would love to be able to travel all over. Anywhere I want, any time I want. I want to go and see and enjoy and take pictures and laugh and have fun.
          I used to dream about going on road trips with friends...those friends are no long in my life for whatever reason...it's time to make new ones...or pick some up on the way.
          I digress...That's what I want to do. Travel to my little heart's content.  I'm not giving up!
I feel like this has gotten boring. (Not my 30 Days, mind you...just the blog in general.) I've been reading a lot of blogs. Lurking, if you will...Other than that, I've been trying to limit my internet time...Failing for the most part, but I seem to spend too much time on Facebook...and that needs to stop.

Today, I signed up for Netflix. I'm ready for my movies to start coming in! The first one? Where the Wild Things Are. Yay!!!

The time change has me all jacked up. It's only 9:30 (rounded out) and I'm struggling to stay awake.

I'm not even sure this makes sense anymore.



*chattering teeth*

I live in a big, drafty house. It's up off the ground, which leads to even more cold. Add that to the fact that I've lost a pretty good amount of insulation in the recent months....I. Am. Freezing. Quite possibly to death. (Okay...probably not to death, but it's freaking cold in here. It might be warmer outside!)

Last night, I slept in two long sleeve shirts, leggings, pj pants, socks, and my big fuzzy pink robe. I...was still cold. You'd think I'd be used to it. Years ago, I would sleep under about 6 heavy blankets with a little 10 lb dog curled up against my legs radiating an unreal amount of heat...and I was still chilly. I guess maybe it's because this time, it's me...by myself...and I don't put off a lot of heat, apparently. (If any.)

Whatever...my point is...it's finally cold. And while I'll readily admit that I'm going to complain one way or another, I'd rather it be cold than hot...so...I s'pose I should just shut it. Hah!

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
          I need to forgive myself for some decisions I have made in my life. Mind you, I'll be the first to spout out that cliche about our decisions making us who we are and what-not. 
          ...And I'm not saying that I don't like who I am...I'm still learning who I am at this point. I just know that there are some decisions I've made in recent years that I knew better, but I made the wrong one anyway. 
          Perhaps it's that "unknown"...wondering how things would be different had I made the decision to stay in college, not get married just because I thought I'd lose my first love (we are no longer together), have more self-control (in various aspects of my life...namely money matters, and sexual situations)...Where would I be? What would I be doing? Who would I still have in my life?
          Maybe I've got it all wrong. I need to forgive myself for doubting me and my decisions and wondering what could have been. I should learn to accept what life has been thus far...but it doesn't have to be the same from here on out.

I like my new bunny suit. I like my new bunny suit. I like my new bunny suit. When I wear it I feel cute! (A tribute to Kimya Dawson. ^.^)


30 Days of Truth--Take 2

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
          I kind of hate this one. I've been trying to think of something I love about myself. I know there are things to love, but it's hard for me to think about or point out. I dunno. I've always felt like that would make me seem vain or something. I mean...I guess I could say I love my smile, even though it's full of tiny teeth that are almost smaller than those of my 4 year old nephew. I have big full pouty lips that are pretty damn sexy! Haha!
          I could say I love my big doe eyes that are technically hazel, but most people only ever see them brown. They turn green when I cry. No lies. This isn't about all that, though....right? I dunno.
          I love that I have a way of making people comfortable. I don't know how I do it, but more than one person in my life has told me that I'm comforting. That when they talk to me, they just suddenly feel at ease and they feel like they can be themselves. They have told me that I have a way with words...I always seem to know the right things to say. (This makes me happy because most of the time, I feel like a blundering fool...it's good to know I'm not always coming across that way.) 
          So...I guess I love that I can make others feel comfortable in their own skin...even if all I want to do is crawl out of mine. 
I'm always hard on myself. I tend to point out the bad before the good...as, I suppose, most people do. These are hard...and after looking ahead at the list, it seems they may only get harder. However...perhaps by the end of this "exercise", I'll know myself more...and I'll be a little more accepting.

Good job! Time for dessert!


Jumping on the bandwagon!

I've seen several bloggers, that I stalk follow, are participating in 30 Days of Truth. I decided to try it.

I've already successfully failed (yes...I know.) to complete a Project 365 on my photo blog...twice. But...I figure I'll give this a go. Some people aren't posting every day, so...perhaps that's okay.

Anyway...I'm procrastinating at work...because I'm beginning to hate my job...however...it's my only option at the moment. So...right this moment, I'm getting paid to start my own 30 Days of Truth.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
          I hate that I have a big soft heart. I tend to care too much and most of the time it leads to me getting hurt. Time and time again, I care just as much as I did before. I never think about what will happen to myself in the end. I guess some people might think that's a good thing, but I wonder how many times I can allow myself to be hurt before I stop caring at all.
          I need to learn to distinguish the people or causes that deserve my heart from those that won't appreciate it in the end. For my sake...

Wasn't that fun?! Oh, shush! Just have a cupcake and let me soak in my self pity.



I seem to have let this blog fall by the wayside already. Lame. I shall try to do better!

I went out of town for the weekend...and I came back...begrudgingly. It is quickly becoming apparent that I need to be out of here for good. Things are fine while I'm away...I even manage to enjoy myself. However...when I get close to home, I settle right back into the funk that has become my norm. Sunday, when I crossed back over into Mississippi for the last time, I got in a bad mood. I could feel it...and I don't like it. *grumbles*

I went and voted today like a good little American citizen. Did you? I even took my ex husband to vote...because I had to drive all the way back to where I was earlier in the day just to vote...because I'm an idiot...and I didn't know where the cafeteria was at the school (where I was to vote)...so...yeah..

Then we managed to have a nice, informative chat and he even threw a chicken patty in the oven for me. Haha!

Shit...I dunno...I'm tired. I just realized that I hadn't updated in a few days. I wish I had something more exciting to say. Sorry to disappoint. I'll be back...and better than ever! Promise!

Cupcake to hold you over?