Decisions. Decisions.

I...am a horrible decision maker. For example, when I go out to eat, I always order last so that I can make up my mind at the last minute...then I spend the entire time before the food comes out wondering if I ordered the right thing. I will pick up something for purchase in a store, walk around the entire store carrying said item...then decide at the checkout counter that I don't really need/want it, put it down. The whole trip home, I'll talk about how I wish I would have bought it. At the same time, I can pick up something right at the end of shopping, just have to have it...get in the car and consider going back in to return it. (I also, apparently, have severe buyer's remorse.)

Meh... I told you that exciting story to lead up to this exciting story Day of Truth.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

          I hope I'm never faced with the decision to take someone I love off of life support. I wouldn't want to prolong their life if there was nothing that could be done to make them better...or like..if they were in a coma and would never wake up, but at the same time...if I had it my way, people wouldn't die. Ever. Unless they were bad people, ya know?
          I just feel like, if I ever was put in that position, and I told the doctors to "pull the plug", I would forever wonder if there could have been a miracle. A small chance that something could have been done to save my loved one. And I would forever feel responsible for them dying...even if they had a terminal illness. It would rip me apart.
          I'm not saying that I'm the only one that would have to struggle with that decision, I'm just saying that is something that I hope I never have to do.(That's what this day's about...right?)

That's always a fun subject, right?! Right...so...let me just ramble mindlessly for a few minutes.

This morning...I woke up for the second day in a row at 4 AM. What. The. Hell. Then, of course, I couldn't go back to sleep until about 10 minutes before my alarm was scheduled to go off at 6:00. (Why do alarms "go off"? Shouldn't they "go on"? I dunno...random weirdness.)

So sexy...right? *giggle*

Aside from that fun stuff, I woke up (after hitting snooze twice) feeling pretty good. I, strangely, felt great actually...(More weirdness.) But I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror...hair a disheveled mess, no makeup on, but I felt sexy. So, I snapped a quick picture with my web cam and posted it on Facebook. Haha! (Ridiculous...I know...but I rarely feel sexy without trying. Bite me.)  I was all, "Sometimes, I feel so sexy with my disheveled morning hair and no makeup that I feel sorry for you. *giggle*" I have a feeling some people thought I was pointing fingers at them, (just that women's intuition stuff...and...well...I got that reaction from someone. Hah!) but I really wasn't! The "you" I was referring too was the "you's" that have to put up with me at times like that. Sometimes I get kinda cocky. But, hey! I am woman! Hear me roar! (or something like that).


P.S. I am SO glad tomorrow is payday. I'm not really sure why...it will all be gone before the end of the day, anyway...But I am b-r-o-k-e. We're talking...I had $7.77 in my bank account after processing this afternoon. I was like..."W00! Bring me luck, baby! Just don't let me overdraw..."

I just want to get caught back up. I spent an insane amount of money in the months following my separation, and I still haven't managed to get caught up. Surely, that has nothing to do with the two new pair of Converse All-Stars that I have in the top of my closet that haven't even been put on my feet other than to try them on when they came in...or all the books I've bought recently...Nope...I have no idea at all why I'm broke.

Shush! I know I have a problem....and that's the first step, right?

Today...I grew up a little, perhaps. (Just a little...Don't judge!)

Back story? I work at a bank. I can do just about any job there, but my main location is the Loan Department. When someone comes in and applies for a loan, and we turn them down, we have to fill out this form called an "adverse". We mail them a copy and have to log it in a file...like...handwritten. (Don't get me started on the dinosaurs that I work with that can't seem to catch up with databases and shiz like that. It's a small privately owned bank.) /backstory

I was logging a new adverse this morning, and I flipped back through the log and found some I had done a few months back. At a time when I was getting very little sleep at night. Some days/nights, I might get a 2 hour nap in the afternoon after work, then I was up all night talking to a friend of mine that was going through a rough patch. So...I was exhausted during the day at work.

This particular day, I had several warning signs that I failed to pay attention too. My handwriting that day...HORRENDOUS! It's a wonder that I was not accused of being drunk that day. I couldn't even read what it said...I'm not sure how anyone else could. And it was going all down the little box I was writing in. I wish I could have gotten a picture to share...but...confidentiality and all...Booooo!

This same day, I would be typing emails (like to my boss about important shit...not just BSing with co-workers.) And I would just "check-out" in the middle of typing. When I would snap back to reality, there was all sorts of nonsense and gibberish. Dude! If I had clicked "send" on that...I would have most likely been asked to leave...and as much as I complain about my job, that does not need to happen...not at this point.

So...I grew up by realizing that I have to learn to draw boundaries...and, while, if my friends need me, I will be there...I'm going to need to nap for at least 4 hours before an all-night-talk-a-thon. I think I function pretty well on 4 hours of sleep a night. (Much better, at least, than 4 hours a week.)

Shit...growing up sucks! I'm gonna go sit in the corner with my cupcake.