Decisions. Decisions.

I...am a horrible decision maker. For example, when I go out to eat, I always order last so that I can make up my mind at the last minute...then I spend the entire time before the food comes out wondering if I ordered the right thing. I will pick up something for purchase in a store, walk around the entire store carrying said item...then decide at the checkout counter that I don't really need/want it, put it down. The whole trip home, I'll talk about how I wish I would have bought it. At the same time, I can pick up something right at the end of shopping, just have to have it...get in the car and consider going back in to return it. (I also, apparently, have severe buyer's remorse.)

Meh... I told you that exciting story to lead up to this exciting story Day of Truth.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

          I hope I'm never faced with the decision to take someone I love off of life support. I wouldn't want to prolong their life if there was nothing that could be done to make them better...or like..if they were in a coma and would never wake up, but at the same time...if I had it my way, people wouldn't die. Ever. Unless they were bad people, ya know?
          I just feel like, if I ever was put in that position, and I told the doctors to "pull the plug", I would forever wonder if there could have been a miracle. A small chance that something could have been done to save my loved one. And I would forever feel responsible for them dying...even if they had a terminal illness. It would rip me apart.
          I'm not saying that I'm the only one that would have to struggle with that decision, I'm just saying that is something that I hope I never have to do.(That's what this day's about...right?)

That's always a fun subject, right?! Right...so...let me just ramble mindlessly for a few minutes.

This morning...I woke up for the second day in a row at 4 AM. What. The. Hell. Then, of course, I couldn't go back to sleep until about 10 minutes before my alarm was scheduled to go off at 6:00. (Why do alarms "go off"? Shouldn't they "go on"? I dunno...random weirdness.)

So sexy...right? *giggle*

Aside from that fun stuff, I woke up (after hitting snooze twice) feeling pretty good. I, strangely, felt great actually...(More weirdness.) But I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror...hair a disheveled mess, no makeup on, but I felt sexy. So, I snapped a quick picture with my web cam and posted it on Facebook. Haha! (Ridiculous...I know...but I rarely feel sexy without trying. Bite me.)  I was all, "Sometimes, I feel so sexy with my disheveled morning hair and no makeup that I feel sorry for you. *giggle*" I have a feeling some people thought I was pointing fingers at them, (just that women's intuition stuff...and...well...I got that reaction from someone. Hah!) but I really wasn't! The "you" I was referring too was the "you's" that have to put up with me at times like that. Sometimes I get kinda cocky. But, hey! I am woman! Hear me roar! (or something like that).


P.S. I am SO glad tomorrow is payday. I'm not really sure why...it will all be gone before the end of the day, anyway...But I am b-r-o-k-e. We're talking...I had $7.77 in my bank account after processing this afternoon. I was like..."W00! Bring me luck, baby! Just don't let me overdraw..."

I just want to get caught back up. I spent an insane amount of money in the months following my separation, and I still haven't managed to get caught up. Surely, that has nothing to do with the two new pair of Converse All-Stars that I have in the top of my closet that haven't even been put on my feet other than to try them on when they came in...or all the books I've bought recently...Nope...I have no idea at all why I'm broke.

Shush! I know I have a problem....and that's the first step, right?

Today...I grew up a little, perhaps. (Just a little...Don't judge!)

Back story? I work at a bank. I can do just about any job there, but my main location is the Loan Department. When someone comes in and applies for a loan, and we turn them down, we have to fill out this form called an "adverse". We mail them a copy and have to log it in a file...like...handwritten. (Don't get me started on the dinosaurs that I work with that can't seem to catch up with databases and shiz like that. It's a small privately owned bank.) /backstory

I was logging a new adverse this morning, and I flipped back through the log and found some I had done a few months back. At a time when I was getting very little sleep at night. Some days/nights, I might get a 2 hour nap in the afternoon after work, then I was up all night talking to a friend of mine that was going through a rough patch. So...I was exhausted during the day at work.

This particular day, I had several warning signs that I failed to pay attention too. My handwriting that day...HORRENDOUS! It's a wonder that I was not accused of being drunk that day. I couldn't even read what it said...I'm not sure how anyone else could. And it was going all down the little box I was writing in. I wish I could have gotten a picture to share...but...confidentiality and all...Booooo!

This same day, I would be typing emails (like to my boss about important shit...not just BSing with co-workers.) And I would just "check-out" in the middle of typing. When I would snap back to reality, there was all sorts of nonsense and gibberish. Dude! If I had clicked "send" on that...I would have most likely been asked to leave...and as much as I complain about my job, that does not need to happen...not at this point.

So...I grew up by realizing that I have to learn to draw boundaries...and, while, if my friends need me, I will be there...I'm going to need to nap for at least 4 hours before an all-night-talk-a-thon. I think I function pretty well on 4 hours of sleep a night. (Much better, at least, than 4 hours a week.)

Shit...growing up sucks! I'm gonna go sit in the corner with my cupcake.

Two at once!

I neglected to do the 30 Days of Truth yesterday. Mostly...because I've been trying to avoid Day 4. I dunno...I'm the Queen of Avoidance.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

          I have to forgive several people...for breaking my heart. That whole thing about caring so much...yeah...it's never been a secret. So...people know what they are doing. It's no accident.
          However...can I have a plus one? If I forgive...can I, too, forget? Not the people that have been in my life...just the fact that they broke my heart...and what they did to break my heart. I want to be able to go through life not sinking every time I do or see something that reminds me of one of them.

Wow...I drifted off onto a tangent there...Sahrry! It happens sometimes.

So...since I skipped yesterday, I decided I'd give you a two-fer...to keep from getting behind.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

          I would love to be able to travel all over. Anywhere I want, any time I want. I want to go and see and enjoy and take pictures and laugh and have fun.
          I used to dream about going on road trips with friends...those friends are no long in my life for whatever reason...it's time to make new ones...or pick some up on the way.
          I digress...That's what I want to do. Travel to my little heart's content.  I'm not giving up!

I feel like this has gotten boring. (Not my 30 Days, mind you...just the blog in general.) I've been reading a lot of blogs. Lurking, if you will...Other than that, I've been trying to limit my internet time...Failing for the most part, but I seem to spend too much time on Facebook...and that needs to stop.

Today, I signed up for Netflix. I'm ready for my movies to start coming in! The first one? Where the Wild Things Are. Yay!!!

The time change has me all jacked up. It's only 9:30 (rounded out) and I'm struggling to stay awake.

I'm not even sure this makes sense anymore.

*grumbles*

*chattering teeth*

I live in a big, drafty house. It's up off the ground, which leads to even more cold. Add that to the fact that I've lost a pretty good amount of insulation in the recent months....I. Am. Freezing. Quite possibly to death. (Okay...probably not to death, but it's freaking cold in here. It might be warmer outside!)

Last night, I slept in two long sleeve shirts, leggings, pj pants, socks, and my big fuzzy pink robe. I...was still cold. You'd think I'd be used to it. Years ago, I would sleep under about 6 heavy blankets with a little 10 lb dog curled up against my legs radiating an unreal amount of heat...and I was still chilly. I guess maybe it's because this time, it's me...by myself...and I don't put off a lot of heat, apparently. (If any.)

Whatever...my point is...it's finally cold. And while I'll readily admit that I'm going to complain one way or another, I'd rather it be cold than hot...so...I s'pose I should just shut it. Hah!

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

          I need to forgive myself for some decisions I have made in my life. Mind you, I'll be the first to spout out that cliche about our decisions making us who we are and what-not. 
          ...And I'm not saying that I don't like who I am...I'm still learning who I am at this point. I just know that there are some decisions I've made in recent years that I knew better, but I made the wrong one anyway. 
          Perhaps it's that "unknown"...wondering how things would be different had I made the decision to stay in college, not get married just because I thought I'd lose my first love (we are no longer together), have more self-control (in various aspects of my life...namely money matters, and sexual situations)...Where would I be? What would I be doing? Who would I still have in my life?
          Maybe I've got it all wrong. I need to forgive myself for doubting me and my decisions and wondering what could have been. I should learn to accept what life has been thus far...but it doesn't have to be the same from here on out.

I like my new bunny suit. I like my new bunny suit. I like my new bunny suit. When I wear it I feel cute! (A tribute to Kimya Dawson. ^.^)

30 Days of Truth--Take 2

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

          I kind of hate this one. I've been trying to think of something I love about myself. I know there are things to love, but it's hard for me to think about or point out. I dunno. I've always felt like that would make me seem vain or something. I mean...I guess I could say I love my smile, even though it's full of tiny teeth that are almost smaller than those of my 4 year old nephew. I have big full pouty lips that are pretty damn sexy! Haha!
          I could say I love my big doe eyes that are technically hazel, but most people only ever see them brown. They turn green when I cry. No lies. This isn't about all that, though....right? I dunno.
          I love that I have a way of making people comfortable. I don't know how I do it, but more than one person in my life has told me that I'm comforting. That when they talk to me, they just suddenly feel at ease and they feel like they can be themselves. They have told me that I have a way with words...I always seem to know the right things to say. (This makes me happy because most of the time, I feel like a blundering fool...it's good to know I'm not always coming across that way.) 
          So...I guess I love that I can make others feel comfortable in their own skin...even if all I want to do is crawl out of mine. 

I'm always hard on myself. I tend to point out the bad before the good...as, I suppose, most people do. These are hard...and after looking ahead at the list, it seems they may only get harder. However...perhaps by the end of this "exercise", I'll know myself more...and I'll be a little more accepting.

Good job! Time for dessert!

Jumping on the bandwagon!

I've seen several bloggers, that I stalk follow, are participating in 30 Days of Truth. I decided to try it.

I've already successfully failed (yes...I know.) to complete a Project 365 on my photo blog...twice. But...I figure I'll give this a go. Some people aren't posting every day, so...perhaps that's okay.

Anyway...I'm procrastinating at work...because I'm beginning to hate my job...however...it's my only option at the moment. So...right this moment, I'm getting paid to start my own 30 Days of Truth.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

          I hate that I have a big soft heart. I tend to care too much and most of the time it leads to me getting hurt. Time and time again, I care just as much as I did before. I never think about what will happen to myself in the end. I guess some people might think that's a good thing, but I wonder how many times I can allow myself to be hurt before I stop caring at all.
          I need to learn to distinguish the people or causes that deserve my heart from those that won't appreciate it in the end. For my sake...

Wasn't that fun?! Oh, shush! Just have a cupcake and let me soak in my self pity.

Neglect...

I seem to have let this blog fall by the wayside already. Lame. I shall try to do better!

I went out of town for the weekend...and I came back...begrudgingly. It is quickly becoming apparent that I need to be out of here for good. Things are fine while I'm away...I even manage to enjoy myself. However...when I get close to home, I settle right back into the funk that has become my norm. Sunday, when I crossed back over into Mississippi for the last time, I got in a bad mood. I could feel it...and I don't like it. *grumbles*

I went and voted today like a good little American citizen. Did you? I even took my ex husband to vote...because I had to drive all the way back to where I was earlier in the day just to vote...because I'm an idiot...and I didn't know where the cafeteria was at the school (where I was to vote)...so...yeah..

Then we managed to have a nice, informative chat and he even threw a chicken patty in the oven for me. Haha!

Shit...I dunno...I'm tired. I just realized that I hadn't updated in a few days. I wish I had something more exciting to say. Sorry to disappoint. I'll be back...and better than ever! Promise!

Cupcake to hold you over?

This isn't a come on...

I dunno. I couldn't think of a better title.

Tomorrow! It will be Zumba day!! I should be getting my set in. I'm ready! It's going to be....interesting, to say the least. My mom's going to be doing it with me. She's a hoot! You should see her do the Cupid Shuffle! (And I thought I was white... she get it from her mama!)

Okay! Get this shit! Grrr...(Got that?!)

I had asked my boss if I could leave early on Friday since I'm going out of town. Around 2-ish, I asked. She comes back with, "Well, since it's Friday and we don't close until 5, I think 4 would be better." Wow? Really?! Thanks! You're swell.... now...instead of getting to my destination at 12, I will get there at 11. AWESOME! Bitch...

Today, I'm informed that I will need to go fill in at another branch on Friday. Until 5. Said branch, is half an hour FURTHER away from my planned destination. So..now, I won't get there until after 1AM, I'm sure. *grumbles*

I hate my job. I mean...wait...it's really a good job, but I'm just tired of it. It has great benefits, it's pretty laid back for it to be a bank job, and most of the people I work with, I get along with. I'm just getting restless. In all aspects of my life. It's time to start looking for a new place to be. Ideas? Suggestions?

I dunno.

Tonight, I'm going to bed with some awesome winged eyeliner on because I'm being lazy and I don't want to go hunt down my makeup remover. I'll probably pay for that. But...it took me a while to get it just right. And look at this shit!

Awesome, right?!

Cupcake?